Ch 4: Blank page, new start..

Today, I told myself to get up and just smile. Because today... I woke up without having to think about Nathan for a second. Today, I started eating my favorite peanut butter biscuits again and today, I'm gonna look my best because I'm starting a new chapter of my life.

Those little cheesy baby steps I took are my new beginning. Well today, I'm going to enjoy being cheesy. Starting with telling myself that cheesy qoute everyone says "Single and ready to mingle"! So today I'm letting myself out of that shell I held myself in all those months. I'm gonna put on a little bit of red lipstick (why red?) because I'm feeling sexy today and I'm going out that door with a smile!

Today dad drove me up to school. I just love those car drives with dad, he talks, jokes and laughs all the way. Unless he's bothered about something, he would just pour out his anger on me, but in a cute way though. Dad noticed that I was smiling today and asked me about it,

"What's with the happy face today Bianca?" He asked sarcastically.

"It's nothing dad" I replied trying to hide my smile by looking out of the window.

"Whatever or whoever kept that smile on your face keep it up honey, you look prettier smiling", dad answered.

"I will daddy!"

By that time I arrived at school, but this time I was early! I walked in and met up with Alison. Alison has been my friend since the 6th grade but we only got closer a year after we met. She's a tree to anyone who's five feet tall and the skinniest amongst all of her class mates. Very fair skinned and really pretty! It's funny how we got close actually, we aren't even in the same class.

Actually, it was through Alison by which I got to meet Nathan earlier this year. Oh well, that was the past and I'm not looking that way ever again. By the way! My studies.. The last time I looked at my history marks.. I failed. Yea that's really my big regret right now. Failing studies because I made my life revolve around a guy. And that's a lesson I'm going to learn from, my whole life.

Honestly, I'm not thinking about love anymore. I'm gonna shut out every guy who's going to try to get close to me and I'm going to finally take control of my life. Besides, having my friends, a mini fridge in the corner of my room and my phone, what else do I need? I'll meet the right guy in the right time but the right time isn't right now or the next ten years....

But hey...! Guy friends won't harm me.. So yea, I met this guy and we turned out to be  good friends. His name was Rob, he walked me to class everyday, talked to me everyday, was always there and always put up a smile on my face. I'll admit, there were a few moments where he and I you can say "clicked".

I don't know how to describe those moments really. But Rob was just a brother to me, I'd never ever picture myself with him. EVER. He's a brown haired, chubby, tall, geeky guy who wore glasses only in class so he wouldn't get embarrassed by the way they looked on him. He had that "trying to look hot" geeky walk which of course doesn't end up looking "hot" like he wants it to.

Me and Rob got so close and he was practically my big bro. I could tell Rob anything, even girl related stuff. He would still understand! He also helped me through getting over Nathan. We were good friends. Rob then introduced me to one of his best-friends, Samuel. Samuel was a layed back type of person and was more mature and understanding than Rob.

Sadly, I got closer to Samuel more than Rob and like all good things, some of them has to come to an end. So the friendship between me and Rob was officially over. The thing is you just just feel like Sam understands you more, and he's always there and shows that he cares, but as a brother Ofcorse. I didn't want another relationship. Friendships are perfectly fine to me at the moment. So I drew a line. Me and Samuel stayed friends until the end of the year, but there came a phase, I stopped talking to literally everybody for like two weeks.

Here's why.
I wokeup , and I think it was one week before our final exams to come. I wokeup with severe pain that felt like a knife stabbing it's way along my spine. My legs felt paralyzed and I couldn't even shift my position or even sleep on my arm like I normally do. The pain was so agonizing that I cried for 2 straight hours and stupid of me. I couldn't think, that I just waited until my parents woke up and came to my room.

I was rushed to the hospital but even the rushing process was painful. I literally couldn't move any part of my body. My dad had to put his hand on the back of my head and back just to lift me off the bed. Because if he pulled me by my arms, I would've screamed out of the pain I would've gotten. I'm not even exaggerating, in fact the way I'm describing the pain is only half of how it really felt. My aunt even came to dress me up and make myself look a bit decent to go out.

It felt horrible. You feel like you've suddenly turned into a handicapped person and all of the horrendous type of thoughts crawled up into my mind. What's going on with me? Am I seriously going to stay like this all my life? Am I even normal? And the thoughts went on and on.... Especially when I saw a wheel chair waiting for me outside of our car.

I'm at a age where I should be able to do everything on my own. I don't need help!
I was so mixed up by my thoughts and feelings that I just felt like I wanted to cry all over again.. But I held it in. I wanted to feel strong, atleast for a little bit.

We waited for a while until my turn into the doctors office. So the nurse gave me a magazine to go through while waiting. Though my fingers were sore and swollen I pushed my self into turning the pages. Atleast if I can't walk I had to push my self atleast into turning a page.

When the time had finally come to enter into the doctors office, the nurse rushed me in. We first went into a doctor specialized in bones, but then he said I don't treat such cases and he transferred me to a doctor who was a rheumatologist (re-yuma-to-logist) who can treat my case as the doctor described.

So when we went in, he asked me what have I been feeling.. Tired? Any face rashes? Where was the pain mostly comming from? And so on. Actually, I was tired the whole time and slept for almost the full day. Rashes? Whenever I meet up with sunlight my friends ask me if I'm wearing blush! And pain? Swollen fingers first thing in the morning.. And then mostly pain and pressure on my knees.

So we kept on discussing the symptoms I was getting and stuff. Then he said," these symptoms you are getting are mostly related to the disease, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. But we have to carry out a couple of blood tests to make sure that that is what you have."

The minute I heard the name, It felt like a heavy rock passing through my esophagus.. I even doubt that you even read the name right. The doctor then prescribed me a pill and said that the pain will go and everything will be back to normal, he also gave me an injection and then I was on my way home.

When I arrived home, I could walk a bit. I guess the pills took their effects.. So I had my dinner and called it a night.

Ch-3: Goodbye feelings..

Do you know the feeling? Waking up in the morning and telling yourself that what comes around goes around and you start hoping for a better day.. you look at yourself in the mirror then you get the aura that you are the girl that's unlike the rest, the one who wouldn't have given up on him. You spend your day smiling but your night crying.. You look so damn strong but you feel so weak and spineless. Yeah well I'm the girl who constantly picks herself up whenever She falls.

By that time, it's been almost three months since the breakup, and I'm still trying to gulp in the fact that we aren't together anymore and that we will never be. So I had to convince myself that I am not gonna shed bitter tears again for someone who doesn't care. Someone who didn't stand with me and someone who gave up on me. I cried that night.. but after I did, I promised myself I wouldn't cry for the same reason again. That was the beginning of forgetting.

It's hard.. Because convincing  your heart of something you don't want to feel is a tough job, but you do it anyways because you don't want to feel pain all over again. Besides, feeling pain once is better than repeating the process over and over again.. That's what I uttered to myself..

It was 8:00 AM and as always, I'm already late to school. Walked to class and the first period had begun.. So as I made my way in, miss Lucida, our class teacher smiled at me with a sign of relief in her voice,"Oh there you are! I was about to mark your name absent!". I smiled at her simperingly and took off to my table and chair. Two periods later, Elsa came and sat next to me.

I just met Elsa earlier this year but I feel like I know her since forever. She's been there for me no matter what and is the best listener I know. She could listen to every stupid irrelevant story I tell without judging me or complaining about it. I loved that about Elsa and her cute little face.

She has a milky chocolate skin tone and dark silky and wavy hair. She wore those nerdy glasses that added a frame to her sparkly eyes, not to mention the huge height difference between us.

I told Elsa about how I'm trying to get over Nathan and the incident that happened with Andrew. I'm just so mixed up. I felt Lost, without being able to know what decision to make or what step I should take. Elsa comforted me and told me that sooner or later I'll get over it and when I get to look back at it one day, I will laugh my ass off because of how much I'm overthinking what I'm going through right now. That actually was my problem. I overthink a toomuch.

On the 3rd period, while staring at the letters and pictures that were illustrated on the board in the active whiteboard room. Boredom suffocated my mind, I looked down at the white sheet of paper infront of me and suddenly I see red droplets slipping down. I got confused, am I bleeding? I touched the edge of my nose and took a look at my fingers. That was a lot of blood to begin with and then I started bleeding non stop. I was terrified! Nose bleed in the mid of winter? But I just ignored the facts and went to put a cold ice cube over my nose until the bleeding had stopped.

Later that afternoon, I decided to go to the gym, maybe those thigh burning squats will steam off all the tension I'm feeling. A couple of hours later I went home and had a warm relaxing bubble bath. It felt good actually. Well today I've decided that I will follow a healthy lifestyle.. Oh well hopefully I will.

After that quick relaxing dip, I opened up my Facebook account that was neglected for a really long time. I started stalking peoples profiles until I stumbled into Nathan's. He was online on the chat menu. After stalking his profile for a while, he started a chat by saying,
"Hey! Me and Wendy got together :D"
I read the message with a heavy heart and replied,"oh that's good news! :P"

I pretended as if I was happy about it and told him not to break her heart and take good care of her as if she meant a lot to me.

Actually, Wendy was a good friend of mine. I told her about Nathan and all about our breakup. She told me herself that he was a waste of my time and that he does not deserve someone Like me!

That was exactly why I got hurt when I found out. Turns out all that act was fake to make me lay off Nathan. This
was the day when I really really hated Nathan. Honestly I hated both of them. A lot of feelings started building up while having that small talk with Nathan.

I'm shocked, angry and hurt. Plus how could he just start the chat out of nowhere like that. Obviously he's trying to make me jealous or something. After a long thought, I'm not actually jealous. Does it mean im finally getting over Nathan?

A part of me really wants to forget but the other part of me is telling me not to. The thing about pain is that it demands to be felt  but I've suffered enough and I'm sick of it. He made me feel unworthy, not good enough and ugly. Questions ran through my mind like, am I not attractive enough? Am I not girlfriend material? Why'd he given up on me so fast? I blamed myself for every single thing that happened and I kept on telling myself who would want to date you? And then I started listing out all my imperfections.

But now. I know these feelings are fading. I'm sorry I told myself all those things. I'm trying my best to start new because I'm not going to let myself from moving forward because of someone who meant a lot to me but chose to walk away. Yeah well. Still trying and progressing slowly. Only thing I got to do now is sit back. Relax and time will do the rest of the job.

Ch-2: Sea Side Grief

It’s another morning, waking up without Nathan in my life. Sorrowfully ill to be waking up like this. Not having a morning text from him as he would normally text me "Good morning beautiful!" That text was just enough to make me smile all day.

Why did we break things up? One second he was mine, and the other he was gone. I stayed on my bed until lunch time. Before I stood up, I checked if my ankle got any better, but when I moved my blanket off my legs and looked at my ankle, it was still big and swollen.

I was shocked, why isn't it getting any better? Anyways I just tried to bare with it and went downstairs, had my lunch and then went back up again. I don't know what was wrong that day. I was just feeling lonelier day by day. And I don't know how will I have to face Nathan again tomorrow, I've got to stop bursting into tears whenever I see him.

I mean, I don't want look desperate. I kept on thinking, as I always do. Thoughts always filled my mind, it almost felt suffocating sometimes. Suddenly, dad came in.

He said, "Hey, are you okay? I heard about your ankle."

I looked at him and said, "Hey dad. I'm fine, but my ankle is still swollen."

He walked towards me and said,"Let me see," he saw my ankle, and his face looked so surprised and then he said angrily, "I've got to take you to the hospital and see what they can do about it! I didn't know it was serious! You shoud have told me!"

I looked at my ankle and said, "I'm sorry dad, I was too tired, I went straight to bed. Ill be ready in a few minutes."

Dad calmed himself down and then said, "Okay then I’ll be waiting downstairs."

He closed the door. I didn't really feel like going to the hospital. I didn't really feel like there was a need. But I had to. And so I went to the hospital. The doctor said its maybe because I bent it or something. So the nurse kept some sort of cream and wrapped it up.

After I got home it was almost sunset by then. When I was about to go into the house, Zenny came out of nowhere and pulled me by the hand.

"Where are you going? Come let's go watch the sunset! I've got my dad's car key!! Ahahah"

I answered, "are you crazy? Were so dead if he catches us!"

Zenny giggled and gave me that devilish look, " IF he catches us! Cmon!" And she pulled me into the car.

We went to a beach a few miles away from the city. As I walked closer to the sea I looked at the sun that was slowly going down the horizon. As it went down, the burning light of the sun got dull and it looked like a huge disc of orange and yellow. The sun’s orange was mingling with the light blue colour of the sky and it gave out a vast contrast of different colours. It was like watching a screen slowly changing colours. The scene was truly beautiful. The dull light of the sun somehow illuminated everything in a way I had never seen them before. Everything was almost still and the effect of the light made the scene look like one in a painting.

The waves of the sea also seemed to have changed their colour to a dull mixture of yellow and orange. The water was sparkling like diamonds in the light. The sun was gradually going down and by the time it almost disappeared, the sky had patterns of different colours, from light purple to a dull blue. The scene looked mesmerizing. The birds were also chirping and flying away to their homes. The pleasant breeze, the sweet smell of salty water mixed in sand and the sound of waves crashing against each other completed the scene of a perfect sunset I had always read about in books.

Suddenly I heard a voice calling me from behind. It was bold but had a little bit of edginess to it. The voice sounded familiar. It was a guy ofcourse, but who was it. The wind blew stronger and I got a small hitch of his scent. I took in a deep breath as I enjoyed the musky smell. I knew who it was, I just didn't want to look back. It was too hard. I started looking sideways. Where did Zenny go? I got scared. I can't face this alone. I don't know how to react. What to do? What to say? Do I leave? Or hear what he has to say..?

He came and stood infront of me and there it was. Andrew the guy I left for Nathan. He changed! Is it me or andrew just got taller and hotter! I never really looked at him this close. Andrew had light brown hair, dreamy blue eyes as blue as a clear summer sky. His chest looked broad and muscular. He has this pointy nose and plump soft lips and I can't forget his adams apple so abvious and seductive. He was just perfect in everyway. His eyes sparkled with pain and he kept staring into my eyes and said,"Hello Bianca"

I looked down at the sand under my feet and side smiled. He lift my chin up and said, "Can you please tell me what else I should do? I've done everything I could think of to win you back! Wasn't it enough? We can't just end our relationship because I was too busy to talk to you for a little while!.."

The words were too painful for me to hear. He doesn't know the true reason of why I've left him. I brushed my hand through his brown silky hair and looked at him with my eyes about to cry,"Andrew.. Its not you. Its me. Don't blame yourself for me leaving you. You're a great guy and you deserve someone better than me."

Andrew took my hand off his face and held on to my other hand and said, "but Bianca, I don't want anyone else! Please Bianca. I can't live like this any more. Put an end to my suffering and come back to me."

I didn't know what to say. I never loved him truly. Its Nathan whom I love and still am inlove with. The situation was too sensitive and I coudnt tell him that there was someone else. He wouldn't forgive me. I can't break his heart even more than it is broken. With all that thinking in my mind I just burst and tears started falling down my cheeks. I covered my face with my hands and said, "I'm so sorry Andrew, but I have to leave"

Once I turned my back and was about to take a step away, Andrew pulled me back and hugged me tight and said,"Don't leave. Atleast just for today. Let me have you next to me" He wiped my tears and said, "Please Bianca don't leave"

I stared into his dreamy eyes. I couldn't stay. I don't want Andrew to be attached to me more than he is already. He doesn't deserve me. He deserves a better girl. Someone who will actually love him. Someone who wouldn't use him like I did. So I kissed him on the cheek and spoke with a whispering voice,"I'm sorry Andrew but I have to go. You take care of yourself alright"

He pulled my hand and still insisted but this time with his eyes. I let go, and walked away. As I walked away, my eyes started feeling watery again. It breaks my heart. Doing this to Andrew, making him go through this. But I couldn't confess it to him. I just can't. I do care about him, but not the boyfriend way. Just friends. Yeah just friends.

So I called Zenny,"where are you?!"

Zenny,"I'm at the parking lot"

I went into the car and when I put on my seat belt I told Zenny,"I hate you!"

Zenny replied,"sooo I get it that things didn't go well... Bianca he's a great guy, he doesn't deserve this"

I said,"I can't Zenny, I just can't. Just please take me home"

Zenny dropped me home, I got off the car without saying a word. I never treated Zenny like this, but today, I was angry. I didn't wanna talk because if I did, it would've lead to a fight. So I just kept quiet and went into the house.

I looked at the clock that was hung up near the kitchen door. It was 10 o'clock PM. I just fixed up my bag and made my stuff ready for tomorrow school. Then there I was laying on my bed with my eyes closed and me lost in deep sleep...